Light and Shadows
The closer you get to
the light, the more you see the shadows.
I’m not sure exactly where I first read the above quotation. It was likely from Blessed Mother Teresa or St. Teresa of Avila, but, then again, when searching this phrase on Google to find its source, I found that it’s heavily associated with the video game series Kingdom Hearts, which I’ve never played . . .
Anyway, wherever it comes from, I find a lot of truth in it. As I’ve journeyed in my faith and discernment over the past few years, along with discovering many things about God, I’ve discovered so much about myself. Some of these things are beautiful – my identity as a beloved son of God, the many strengths I have, the path toward priesthood I’ve been called onto, and the relationships and friendships I have developed over time. However, I’ve also seen many painful truths about myself – my weaknesses, inauthenticity, sin, shame, and seemingly insurmountable barriers I feel like I can’t get over. These past few weeks especially have been extremely difficult, where I’ve nearly been overwhelmed by these dark places in my heart.
Often, I think that the Christian life should be much easier, where as I become closer to God, I become much more aware of His consoling love, become stronger in my love for Him and others, and can follow Him with more of my whole heart. Indeed, all of this has been true, but I’m often surprised by how difficult the journey becomes. Sometimes, I’m nearly tempted to give in to these barriers, but then I remember this simple phrase:
The closer you get to the light, the more you see the shadows.
Just as this is true in nature, it is true in the spiritual life. As we finite and fallen creatures approach the infinite and holy God, we realize more and more how much He blesses us. However, as the divine light becomes brighter, we notice more and more the areas in which we fail to receive from Him, and I am tempted to ask at these times, “God, why don’t you make me as holy as I can be right now? Why do I have to go through this journey filled with failures and sorrows?”
It is at these points that the gentle reminders come: God sanctifies this journey within time. Through the Incarnation, Jesus Christ grew, experienced human emotions, and interacted with those who either loved or hated him. Throughout the two thousand years of the Church, countless saints journeyed through this life, discovered their own weaknesses, and learned to rest on God’s mercy and strength. Through my own life, as I look back on struggles, I see that, if I had not gone through them, I would not have had the beautiful graces of seeing Christ enter these shadows of my heart and love me in them. As these barriers have been broken by His love (just as the veil of the Temple was torn when Jesus died), I see how I have been freed time and time again. Just as Jesus endured the suffering of the cross, I note how my own little sufferings have led to new life, opening me more fully to the love of God. Then, I am able to share this light with others, walking with them through their own journeys of darkness.
Yes, the closer I’ve gotten to the light, the more I’ve seen the shadows. But what is the ultimate statement?
The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom should I fear?
I’m not sure exactly where I first read the above quotation. It was likely from Blessed Mother Teresa or St. Teresa of Avila, but, then again, when searching this phrase on Google to find its source, I found that it’s heavily associated with the video game series Kingdom Hearts, which I’ve never played . . .
Anyway, wherever it comes from, I find a lot of truth in it. As I’ve journeyed in my faith and discernment over the past few years, along with discovering many things about God, I’ve discovered so much about myself. Some of these things are beautiful – my identity as a beloved son of God, the many strengths I have, the path toward priesthood I’ve been called onto, and the relationships and friendships I have developed over time. However, I’ve also seen many painful truths about myself – my weaknesses, inauthenticity, sin, shame, and seemingly insurmountable barriers I feel like I can’t get over. These past few weeks especially have been extremely difficult, where I’ve nearly been overwhelmed by these dark places in my heart.
Often, I think that the Christian life should be much easier, where as I become closer to God, I become much more aware of His consoling love, become stronger in my love for Him and others, and can follow Him with more of my whole heart. Indeed, all of this has been true, but I’m often surprised by how difficult the journey becomes. Sometimes, I’m nearly tempted to give in to these barriers, but then I remember this simple phrase:
The closer you get to the light, the more you see the shadows.
Just as this is true in nature, it is true in the spiritual life. As we finite and fallen creatures approach the infinite and holy God, we realize more and more how much He blesses us. However, as the divine light becomes brighter, we notice more and more the areas in which we fail to receive from Him, and I am tempted to ask at these times, “God, why don’t you make me as holy as I can be right now? Why do I have to go through this journey filled with failures and sorrows?”
It is at these points that the gentle reminders come: God sanctifies this journey within time. Through the Incarnation, Jesus Christ grew, experienced human emotions, and interacted with those who either loved or hated him. Throughout the two thousand years of the Church, countless saints journeyed through this life, discovered their own weaknesses, and learned to rest on God’s mercy and strength. Through my own life, as I look back on struggles, I see that, if I had not gone through them, I would not have had the beautiful graces of seeing Christ enter these shadows of my heart and love me in them. As these barriers have been broken by His love (just as the veil of the Temple was torn when Jesus died), I see how I have been freed time and time again. Just as Jesus endured the suffering of the cross, I note how my own little sufferings have led to new life, opening me more fully to the love of God. Then, I am able to share this light with others, walking with them through their own journeys of darkness.
Yes, the closer I’ve gotten to the light, the more I’ve seen the shadows. But what is the ultimate statement?
The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom should I fear?
(Psalm 27:1)
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